Personally I think I have been the unluckiest person when it comes to the 8-5 grind. I compare myself to friends from university and from where I’m sitting, it feels like I’m three steps behind everyone. After leaving my last job, I did a lot of soul searching regarding where I see myself in a career. I don’t know why or even how it came about that I ended up studying and finishing my degree in Human Resources. I’m an introvert and on top of that a pessimist, therefore it becomes challenging to see the positive of things when you’re constantly dealing with all the nitty gritty of an organisation.
Finally I’ve found something I like doing in the Human Resources field, that doesn’t drag me down. But it’s coming with a hefty price tag.
There isn’t money to be made on the East or South side of Johannesburg, as payscales differ immensely from what someone with the same job description is earning for example in Sandton. Now, I’m working in Bryanston. Which from home is a 45km commute to and from work on a daily basis.
If I’m lucky I get to see my girls for maybe two hours at night. In between cooking and dishes and prepping meals and school bags for the next day. What happens to me time and relaxing? That unfortunately isn’t bestowed on a mother. And on a weekend? With shopping for the coming weeks food and maintaining a fit body, I’m becoming increasingly guilty of not spending enough quality time with my girls. What are they going to remember me for? The mom who drops them off and just goes through the motions of getting everything done so that I can get a few hours of sleep before the whole routine starts again in the morning.
With sitting in traffic with rude drivers I am so scared that I’m going to become the shouty mom who takes her frustrations out on her kids. Then I’ll be the mom who never appreciated the little nag of a little girl who just wanted to tell me about her day at school.
I’m feeling like I’m missing out on little things with my monsters. And with limited time spent with them is it really enough? Will they grow up thinking that I neglected them or that I was selfish following my passions and dreams or will they think that mom followed her passions and dreams in order to provide and give them a chance in life?
I guess only time will tell what they make of me. So for now, I’ll cherish the quiet and sometimes crying moments at night when they wake up for comfort and a cuddle even if it results in a stiff neck the following day. Because I’ve been blessed with two kind and strong little girls who are only lent to me for a short time in life before they become someone elses.